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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I put the p in pants.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies