Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.