My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information