If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.