I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.