[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?