How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
me
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.