My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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Feels like there should be a middle ground
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky