We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
What number SPF blocks people?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!