Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
You Might Also Like
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
You wish you had this many chins.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.