*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.