Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Cannot stop laughing at this
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN