My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Breaking news:
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.