I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Cannot stop laughing at this
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.