Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves