Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.