My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
#Caturday
I hope they boil the right one.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too