A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The Struggle
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.