I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.