*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
You wish you had this many chins.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed