Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
You Might Also Like
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
huge if true: the moon
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
even bears disappoint their mothers