*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?