Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
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In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
This is I, Robot all over again