[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie