I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.