Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
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prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Krampus.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?