If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
You Might Also Like
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*limbos away from your hug*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Finished stitching this today 😇
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van