*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive