You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg