Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
A leaf blower, but for people.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*