Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding