me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.