[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Seas the day!!!!
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.