I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
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Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Why you watching this shit?”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class