airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.