*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.