Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Good advice.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.