Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
good work, detective
The game has officially changed 😎
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit