I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
#Caturday
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*lint rolls you awake*
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.