Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!