Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
There are no pants in heaven.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Sign of the day..
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no