It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
best review i’ve ever seen
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?