nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
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*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
live long and prosper!
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”