You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
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They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related