Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)