*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
You Might Also Like
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
A completely valid reaction tbh
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right