imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
The biggest mystery of our time
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Yep.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.