[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
be careful
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.