Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
You Might Also Like
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Just parrot things
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.