If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Yes my dude
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.